Latin For Parody
by jade
Summary: One-shot. Hogwarts is so much more interesting when everyone's in love with Hermione, original characters appear out of nowhere, over used plot lines run amok, and out of character is the motto, right?


I know, I know, it's wrong to mock other stories…after all, the author put a lot of time and effort into them, but in that same line of thinking, one could say that I put a lot of time and effort into this story. There are plot lines in here that have been used in very good stories but they have also been used in very bad stories…so, basically, if this offends you, you're taking it seriously, and that is not my intention at all.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

Warnings: It's a parody…what do you expect? Just look at the title…it's a joke…I'm probably the only nerd who gets it though.

* * *

Latin For Parody

* * *

Hermione Granger had a problem. A problem that could really upset and ruin her whole day. A problem that could really turn things at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry on its head.

Hermione Granger was out of character.

It happens from time to time, especially with characters like Hermione. Sometimes people think, "I wish someone would spice her up a bit." And then somewhere along the line, Hermione does get 'spiced up a bit'. (This really means that Hermione adopts a personality that is something between Cho Chang and Lavender Brown/Parvati Patil (What? I dare you to switch out Lavender with Parvati and see if you can _really _tell the difference.) or becomes super slutty. Or both.)

She sighed to herself, quite melodramatically. Someone really ought to be paying attention to her. Not even Crookshanks was around (which is a very long story for the time being but it has an awful lot to do with a threat Snape had uttered about making Crookshanks into a violin…) and that was terribly depressing. Hermione decided to gather up her books and leave the library and find Harry or Ron. One of them was bound to either be in love with her or would pay attention to her.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, or hell, just plain _conveniently_, as Hermione left the library, she wasn't really paying attention to who was in the corridor and ran straight into Draco Malfoy.

"Watch where you're going, Mudblood." Draco sneered as he thoroughly believed that everyone should worship the very ground he walked on. He was about to go on, as he hated Granger, but something made him stop. Hermione was a bit huffy about being called a Mudblood (and really, one would think she'd be used to it by now) and for some reason, this made her seem…attractive.

_Great, now I'm out of character…_

"Granger, I must have you." Draco declared quite suddenly. He couldn't help it. He suddenly wanted Granger's body like a new pair of leather pants. (He had quite worn out his latest pair by partying far too much with the other Slytherins—which wasn't surprising coming from a house that celebrated every time one of them tripped Potter in the hall.)

"Oh." Hermione seemed to understand after a slight pause. "That makes sense."

"It…_does?_" Draco desperately wished Crabbe and Goyle were there with him. Perhaps he could have ordered one of them to hit him hard enough that he'd go back to acting in character. Say, why on Earth, _weren't _Crabbe and Goyle with him? Now that was odd. He'd have to go look for them after this.

"Well," Hermione began. "I _am _the main female character in this story. And later, Lavender and Parvati are going to show me how to use make-up, and really, all this time, I've been super hot but no one's ever noticed. It happens."

"So…are you ready to jump me now because I'm dead sexy and filthy rich?" Draco decided to just get to the point.

"No." Hermione shook her head. "I have to say that a few times and then we have to get into a compromising position for Harry or Ron to walk around the corner and catch us in."

"Okay, but before we do that, do you know where Crabbe and Goyle are?" Draco furrowed his brow in worry. Where were Crabbe and Goyle? "I seem to have misplaced them."

"Where's the last place you remember putting them?" Hermione asked helpfully, even though that is one of the least helpful ways to help someone.

"I could have sworn they were with me when I left the Slytherin common room…" Draco rubbed his chin but then he heard footsteps. "We better get into that compromising position." He was quite unprepared for Hermione throwing her arms around him and kissing him. He supposed the dead sexy thing had something to do with that.

It was Harry that caught them at that. The green eyed hero of the Wizarding world, stopped dead in his tracks. Hermione was kissing Draco! A strange jealous feeling ran through his whole body.

Being what kind of story it was, it probably meant that he was also in love with Hermione. All those years of never being attracted to her and always treating her the same way he treated Ron, all lies. It was all part of his devious plot to get into her pants.

"What the hell is going on!" Harry asked the two angrily and Hermione broke away with a guilty expression on her face. Draco's face could do nothing _but _smirk at a moment like this.

"I…Draco…Harry…" Hermione thought that the scene was not focusing nearly enough on herself.

"Do you have a problem here Potter?" Draco raised one pale eyebrow. "I can't help it if Mudblood Granger can't keep her hands off me." Hermione took one horrified look at Draco and promptly burst into tears and ran away. Harry and Draco both watched her go and then turned towards each other.

There was a moment of silence.

"So…" Harry trailed off. "Shouldn't one of us run after her?"

"Er…actually, my bout of out of character-ness is over for the moment so I'm going to go find Crabbe and Goyle." Draco shrugged. "But feel free to run after her yourself."

"I don't do too well with crying." Harry looked hesitant. "I think I'll just go into that closet on the fourth floor, the one next to the stairs…not for anything in particular…" He glanced sideways at Malfoy and then proceeded to walk off. Draco waited where he was for ten minutes, looking extremely casual and then, with a few paranoid glances, he ran up the stairs to the fourth floor. Not for anything in particular.

* * *

Up in the Gryffindor common room, Hermione was crying in an armchair but no one was paying that much attention. Mostly because the rest of Gryffindor house was watching Snape chase Crookshanks around the grounds with an axe (there's an even longer story behind this, but it has something to do with the violin threat and a lot to do with chopping firewood) and couldn't be bothered by a weeping out of character Hermione.

She decided that crying in public was no good unless someone was comforting her. She got up and marched over to the crowd of students by the windows and poked one particularly tall red-headed boy in the back.

"Ron." Hermione spoke the name in a loud voice.

"What?" Ron looked around wildly until he spotted her. "Er…what's wrong with your face?"

"I'm crying." Hermione rolled her eyes, going temporarily in character.

"Why?" Ron had turned slightly so that he could watch the raging Potions' master continue to chase the ginger-colored cat.

"Draco kissed me and then said I threw myself at him and Harry saw us!" Hermione told him, Ron cheered wildly with the rest of the crowd as Crookshanks retaliated by entangling himself in Snape's hair.

"Sorry, what was that?" Ron asked rather distractedly.

"Draco kissed me—" Hermione was cut off.

"You're calling him Draco now?" Ron raised his eyebrows.

"Yes." Hermione nodded impatiently. "Listen now, Ron, this part is important, Draco kissed me and—"

"You already said that." Ron pointed out.

"Shut _up_!" Hermione stamped her foot. "And then he told Harry that I threw myself at him and Harry saw us!"

"Wait, wait," Ron held up his hands. "Shouldn't you say that Harry saw you two and then Draco told him that you were throwing yourself at him?"

"But I didn't!" Hermione protested even though she had indeed thrown herself at him.

"But you're out of character." Ron looked confused.

"Now Harry's going to think I'm easy!" Hermione decided to just go on.

"What's going on?" Fred jumped into their conversation.

"Wait a second," Ron looked at Fred, who was as always, with his identical twin brother, George. "Why are you two here?"

"Because…it's the common room…" George looked as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"I know that, but it's our seventh year." Ron explained. "You couldn't possibly be here."

"Oh…I guess you're right." Fred looked a bit troubled for a bit. "Well…I guess we'll just go back to the joke shop…"

"Yes…I guess we shall…" George nodded and the two Apparated away.

"Hey, hey, HEY!" Hermione waved her arms. "Stop right there!"

"What's the big deal?" Ron was disappointed to see that Snape and Crookshanks' battle had moved to a place where the students watch.

"Well, for one, no one can Apparate on school grounds, and two, nobody is paying attention to me." Hermione ticked off the items on her fingers.

"The normal laws of the universe don't apply right now." Ron shrugged. "You should know that, you're out of character. And when's the last time you saw Snape run?"

"Snape was running?" Hermione blinked in confusion.

"Yeah, after Crookshanks with an axe." Ron gestured outside.

"Oh no! I have to go save Crookshanks!" Hermione declared dramatically and turned and ran out of the room. Ron blinked a couple of times.

"I guess this means Snape's going to fall in love with her next." Ron decided.

"Wait," Ginny came over to him. "Why didn't you fall in love with Hermione?"

"I'm already in love with Hermione." Ron pointed out. "So, it's not really a big change or anything."

"That's true." Ginny nodded in agreement. "She's going to do a lot of dramatic running out of the room isn't she?" Then she rolled her eyes. "Well, I'm going to go…er, what should I go do?"

"Hmm, well, you could have a wild love affair with Draco." Ron suggested. "That's what you usually do in this type of fanfic."

"Excuse me." The two red-headed siblings turned to see a girl standing there, with dark, untidy hair that went down to her shoulders and green eyes. "Is this Gryffindor tower?"

"Um…yeah." Ginny was trying to figure out how someone could get through the password protected entry and not know that they were in the Gryffindor tower. "Who are you?"

"Oh," The girl absent-mindedly flicked her bangs to show a lightening shaped scar on her forehead. "I'm Harietta Potter, Harry's long lost twin sister."

"Not _again_." Ron groaned.

"I'm a sassy young witch who can be stubborn but acts like a doormat as soon as I fall in love with someone." Harietta beamed. "That's in the summary you know."

"Is not." Ginny argued.

"Is too." Harietta said stubbornly.

"Look, Harietta, if you want to talk to Harry, I'd suggest going to the top of the North Tower and stepping through the door on the right." Ron advised her.

"Really? Thanks!" Harietta blushed. "Maybe you'll be my romantic interest, just for helping me!"

"Swell." Ron muttered darkly. Harietta hurried excitedly from the common room. Ginny turned back towards Ron.

"Um…Ron, wasn't that door you just told her about put in as a joke by Godric Gryffindor? I mean, if you open it, there's nothing but a straight drop to the ground below." Ginny asked slowly.

"Exactly." Ron grinned. "They fall for it every time."

"Hermione's going to be mad if anyone more original characters show up." Ginny predicted. "After all, the spotlight is supposed to be on her and we've been sitting here talking for a little over a page now."

"Guess we're cutting to the dungeons." Ron stated.

* * *

Hermione entered the dungeon, trembling a little. Crookshanks was being chased by Snape! Oh no! Her beloved cat! If her cat died, she'd feel awful. She wasn't sure she'd be able to survive such an ordeal. Everyone would pity her and give her lots of sympathy and attention…hmm, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing after all…

Snape and Crookshanks were obviously at an impasse at this point. Snape was seated behind his desk glaring at Crookshanks, who was sitting on the nearest table, glaring right back. Actually, Crookshanks wanted to eat the green apple that Draco had left on Snape's desk (Draco loved color coordination) but he thought that Snape was going to beat him to the punch.

"Oh Crookshanks!" Hermione grabbed Crookshanks, who yowled in protest. She slung him over her shoulder. "Are you alright? Are you okay?"

"Miss Granger, put that demonic cat down and get out of here." Snape ordered.

"No!" Hermione stuck her chin out. "You're going to hurt him and I won't let you."

"Get out of here before I hurt _you._" Snape's eyes narrowed.

"You won't hurt me though." Hermione corrected him. "You'll fall madly in love with me. I'm the smartest witch at school and besides, _everyone's _in love with me."

"I am not—" Snape began but then realized at that very moment that indeed, he _was_ madly in love with Hermione. All this time, his vicious insults were only because she looked so pretty with tears in her eyes, and that time he said he didn't see a difference between her regular teeth and the cursed beaver teeth that Draco gave her, it was all because he had wanted to jump her bones. Everyone knows the best way to get a girl to play naughty school girl was to make fun of her at every possible turn. "Well, well, well, you've figured me out Miss Granger."

There was a moment of silence where Hermione could hear the far off scream of someone falling from the North Tower as she looked deep into Snape's dark eyes. He was going to put her in a compromising position as well. She remembered that Draco and her had kissed earlier…what if he walked in on them now? Wouldn't he think she was easy? For some reason, she was very concerned about this whole, 'does everything think I'm easy' thing.

"Professor?" The moment had been interrupted by Blaise Zabini, the latest craze in Hermione/somebody pairings. He noticed Hermione and gave her a bright smile that made her blush. "I wanted some help on this Potions' essay you assigned…" He looked once more over at Hermione.

"Come here then Zabini." Snape sighed and beckoned for the boy to come over to his desk. "You may go Miss Granger."

Hermione froze for a moment. She didn't quite understand what to do. She looked at the two males, who stared right back at her. She shifted from one foot to the other.

"Um…" Blaise started and Hermione realized she'd just have to make do.

"My life is so hard!" She declared and ran out of the room dramatically.

"Okaaaaaaay." Blaise shook his head. "That was bizarre."

* * *

"Hermione was kissing Malfoy!" Harry told his best friend as he dropped down into an armchair next to him. Ron couldn't believe that for once he actually knew something already.

"I already know." Ron looked rather pleased with himself. Usually he was the last to know anything.

"You do!" Harry's eyes widened in disbelief. "But you're so calm!"

"Well, at first I wasn't, but then I realized since just about everyone is in love with Hermione, I had to learn to cope with it." Ron blew air out of the corner of his mouth to get his bangs out of his eyes. "So…" He glanced over at the table to his right where four people were playing Crazy Eights.

"So…?" Harry blinked in confusion.

"Er…" Ron looked from Harry to the four people playing Crazy Eights. "Um, is there anything else?"

"She was kissing him!" Harry insisted. "What if she likes Draco? What if they start dating?" Ginny popped up and sat down in an armchair across from them.

"Afraid she'll interrupt secret closet snog time?" Ginny giggled.

"Shut up!" Harry looked around wildly. "No one's supposed to know!"

"Yeah, everyone's supposed to be in love with Hermione, she'll throw a fit if she finds out." Ron made sure that Hermione wasn't in the room. She was probably learning about make-up from Lavender and Parvati. Or something. "But anyways…" He glanced back over to the four people. "Is there anything else you've noticed?"

"No…not really." Harry thought for a moment. "Why?"

"Nothing at all?" Ron jerked his head obviously in the direction of the four people playing Crazy Eights.

"No." Harry shook his head with a weirded out expression on his face.

"Hello!" A blonde haired girl with red streaks and eyes that changed color according to her mood, or maybe just whenever, no one was really sure, walked up to them. "I'm Amethyst Moonlight Rose Crystal Valkyrie Jade Merlin-Merlin Raven Autumn Venus Ashley Dumbledore Black Delacour the III ."

"Um…hi…Amethyst Moonlight…er…whatever." Harry greeted her.

"I'm a Metamorphmagus, an Animagus, I can do wandless magic, I know every spell ever, I'm part unicorn, fairy, veela, vampire, and werewolf but that last one is only the third Saturday of every month from the hours of nine to eleven a.m, I can talk to dragons, I'm a transfer student from America, _and _I can make Jiffy Pops." Amethyst Moonlight Rose Crystal Valkyrie Jade Merlin-Merlin Raven Autumn Venus Ashley Dumbledore Black Delacour the III told them proudly.

"Really? I've never met anyone who could make Jiffy Pops. They always burn for me." Harry looked impressed.

"Yeah, even with Anti-Burn spells." Ron nodded fervently.

"Another Mary Sue?" Ginny moaned.

"_Excuse me_." Amethyst looked terribly affronted. "I am _not _a Mary Sue."

"Um…clearly you are." Ginny retorted. "Look at that long list of achievements. I'm surprised you're not half Blast-Ended Skrewt as well."

"I am." Amethyst immediately jumped in.

"You _are_?" Ginny raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah." Amethyst nodded. "I'm just like that but I'm not a Mary Sue."

"What about your lack of flaws?" Ginny questioned her. Amethyst opened her mouth to argue but then closed it again. Then she frowned prettily for a few moments.

"Wait! I have plenty of flaws! Deep dark character flaws!" Amethyst looked excited.

"Let me guess…you're stubborn?" Ginny asked knowingly.

"How did you know!" Amethyst looked impressed. "Are you psychic? Well, I am too."

"Hey, Amethyst, why don't you come with me and we'll let the boys talk?" Ginny got up and began leading the blonde away from them.

"Oh! Okay! You'll be my friend who is my support because I am new to your school!" Amethyst agreed enthusiastically. "What do you want to do first?"

"We're going to play a game." Ginny smiled grimly.

"Really? What? Like Truth or Dare? What's the game called?" Amethyst questioned.

"Salem Witch Trials."

"Ooooooh, okay!"

"Your sister is awesome." Harry told Ron who was still trying to get Harry to notice the four people playing Crazy Eights next to them.

"Yes she is." Ron agreed impatiently. "But look! Look whose sitting right next to us!"

"Um…" Harry looked at the four people. The one with their back to Harry and Ron had dark red hair and although they couldn't see, pretty green eyes. She was clearly a girl, of about their age. The young man on her left was blonde with large grey eyes. Then on his left had dark hair that hung elegantly around his pretty face and on his right was a young man who looked exactly like Harry except with brown eyes. "Are they…?"

"Yeah." Ron answered his unspoken question. "Time traveling, you know. They showed up here, as teenagers."

"How long have they been here?" Harry asked.

"Oh, a couple of days." Ron replied nonchalantly.

"Aren't they disturbed to hear about their horrible futures?" Harry's brow furrowed.

"Not really. Mostly they just play Crazy Eights." Ron told him.

"Oh! Change to hearts!" Lily Evans declared happily.

"Dammit!" Sirius Black swore, even though it was Remus Lupin's turn. "Nobody has hearts but you!"

"She has a heart? I always figured someone put a stone there by mistake." James quipped as he re-arranged the cards in his hand.

"Zing!" Remus murmured into his cards as he pulled out an eight. "Change to diamonds."

"Yes!" Sirius cheered. Then he glanced over at the redhead. "Are you going to sit there and take that, Lil?"

"The next person who calls me 'Lil' will have a hard time playing as the cards will be forcibly shoved somewhere very uncomfortable." Lily threatened.

"But it's the cool thing to do now." Sirius defended himself. "Call everyone by shortened versions of their name."

"Yeah. Rem understands." James put down a card.

"Wait." Sirius stopped completely. "We're calling him 'Rem'?"

"What's wrong with that?" James looked confused.

"Hey, Rem, are you losing your religion?" Sirius asked while snickering.

"Oh ha ha, _Sir_." Remus gave Sirius a deeply un-amused look.

"You sound like Marcy from the Peanuts." Lily bit her lip as she looked at her cards. She really didn't want to have to draw more. She was so close to winning…

"Look, look everyone!" Hermione came into the room. The four time travelers just kept on with their game. Harry and Ron, however, turned their attention to Hermione, who was wearing make-up that Lavender and Parvati had helped her out with. "I'm not Hermione Granger, Nerd Girl, anymore! I'm Hermione Granger, Gryffindor Sex Goddess!"

"Oh, did McGonagall retire?" Seamus Finnigan inquired politely.

"Shut. Up." Ron closed his eyes and rubbed his head furiously. "Bad. Mental. Images."

"Wasn't she worried about being easy?" Ginny had returned from her game of Salem Witch Trials, smelling of smoke. "Now she's a Gryffindor Sex Goddess?"

"No, James, I do _not _want to see your King of Clubs and if you ask me again, you won't have one to show me." Lily threatened her future husband from behind them.

"Don't you want me?" Hermione puckered her lips at Ron and Harry but Ron was too busy trying to erase the mental images of McGonagall having sex with anyone at any time in her life from his mind.

"Er…" Harry never realized just how amazingly drop dead gorgeous Hermione was before. "Yeah…"

"Well, you can't!" Hermione put a hand to her forehead. "Because I haven't chosen yet!"

"Chosen what?" Harry blinked his eyes a few times.

"Between you and Draco and Snape and Blaise. Oh, and Ron." Hermione added after a moment. "I don't know how I'll _ever_ be able to decide…"

"The next sexual innuendo involving cards is going to result in someone's death." Lily declared, sending deadly looks to Sirius and James.

"But I just want to show Remus my—" Sirius began.

"If you do, I'll show you my Ace of _Spades_." Lily emphasized.

"Too bad there's not Frigid Bitch suit." James muttered quietly. Lily sent him a look that suggested she wanted him to burst into flames.

"Zing!" Remus whispered to himself.

"Do _not _encourage him." Lily told the blonde haired boy.

"Yeah Rem." Sirius grinned. "Because everybody hurts, sometime."

"Okay, we get it!" Lily threw her hands up. "Stop with that bad jokes about the abbreviation already!"

"Also, I'm pregnant." Hermione announced. Ron's eyes finally opened.

"What?" His mouth dropped open. "How can you be pregnant?"

"I was raped." Hermione informed him.

"Wait, when did that happen?" Harry knew he had spent a rather long time in that closet but he didn't think it had been _that _long.

"I took a walk in the Forbidden Forest…I need sympathy and comfort!" Hermione threw her arms around Harry and began sobbing into his shoulder.

(Due to the graphic nature of the Forbidden Forest scene, it was not put into this story. That's just the way things are. If it helps, I'm sure it included the word 'thrusting' somewhere in it.)

"Er…well, I think Draco's free right now." Harry patted the back of her head awkwardly. "I've got an essay due for Potions…"

"You're so insensitive!" Hermione burst into tears. "I can't believe you said that to me. I must now flounce off and get sympathy because I cannot live without male support!" And with that, she did as she had done many times before in this story and many others. She exited dramatically.

"You did _not _just make a disgusting reference to Quidditch in order to get me in bed." Lily grimaced at James. "If you _ever_ say 'Golden Snitch' like that again, I will beat you senseless."

"Oooh, kinky, aren't we, Evans?" James grinned and wriggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I could get into that."

"You could get into her pants." Sirius stage whispered. Lily's eyes blazed angrily.

"Remus?" Lily said through clenched teeth. Remus sighed heavily and put down his cards.

"_Silencio_!" Lily and Remus pointed their wands at Sirius and James who were far too busy snickering into their cards to notice before it was too late. Harry, who had been watching the exchange with interest, had a worried expression as he turned to his best friend.

"This isn't one of those stories where we have to get them together, is it?" Harry inquired in a pleading tone.

"Nah, I'm pretty sure Remus and Sirius are already dating." Ron replied, not quite understanding why Harry was hitting his forehead with his hand right afterwards.

* * *

"Draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacoooooooooooooooo!" Hermione called out, running up to the blonde-haired Slytherin, who still could not find Crabbe and Goyle. Where the hell were they! Draco turned just in time for Hermione to slam into him. "Oh it's been awful! I'm so glad—"

"You haven't seen Crabbe and Goyle yet by any chance?" Draco didn't think a sobbing Hermione would be the best place for information but he had to start somewhere.

"No, but listen! I'm pregnant!" Hermione's eyes were as wide and innocent as they could possibly be. "It's because I was raped."

"When?" Draco wasn't sure where in the timeline of the story Hermione would have had time to get raped.

"When I was walking by myself in the Forbidden Forest, I don't know who did it, it was awful!" Hermione cried on his shoulder, which Draco really did not appreciate. These robes had cost a lot of money. "And now I'm the Gryffindor Sex Goddess."

"But Brown and Patil have slept with everyone who isn't below the fourth year." Draco's brow furrowed.

"I need comfort!" Hermione sobbed.

"Isn't…isn't Harry available? He's the sensitive one." Draco pointed out. "I'm the bad boy…"

"Not really. Usually you're the 'hiding a heart of pure gold and are a stupid sap' one in this sort of story." Hermione pulled away from him. "Snape usually falls under that one too."

"What about Weasley?" Draco tried.

"'We're really more like brother and sister'." Hermione said immediately. "And Zabini is usually 'the perfect male'."

"Ah." Draco nodded. "Well, the thing is, Granger—"

"Call me Hermione!" Hermione interrupted.

"I'll call you whatever I bloody well _feel_ like calling you." Draco looked really peeved now. He was the bad boy! Slytherin! Evil family! Better dresser! Sleeping with whoever he wanted to! "I'm looking for Crabbe and Goyle right now."

"It's Pansy isn't it!" Hermione suddenly accused him. Draco just stared at her.

"_What_?" was all Draco could get out.

"You're doing Pansy behind my back, aren't you!" Hermione went on, looking indignant. "She wears those slutty clothes and that make-up, she's a total whore! I may be totally hypocritical, but still!"

"At least she's never declared herself Slytherin Sex Goddess." Draco muttered. (Actually, Pansy _did _declare herself Slytherin Sex Goddess once but there was such an uproar that they had to have a competition including swimsuit modeling, talent show, and an evening gown event. Slytherin Sex Goddess had been awarded to the one who had swept up in all the categories, Draco Malfoy.)

"I can't believe you!" Hermione burst into tears again.

"Er, Draco?" Ginny Weasley came around the corner.

"Yeah?" Draco turned away from Hermione who was beyond words at the moment. "Did you find them?"

"No." Ginny shook her head. "But I found out which closet Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan do lots of 'studying' in."

"Excellent." Draco nodded happily, an evil smirk spreading across his face. "Those goody-goody Gryffindors won't know what hit them." Then he noticed Ginny's arched eyebrows. "I mean, all the goody-goody Gryffindors but you."

"So you and Ginny are together!" Hermione recovered enough to say, pointing a finger at the two of them.

"Didn't you read the 5th book? I'm totally awesome now." Ginny rolled her eyes. "Besides, Draco's gay."

"_What_?" Hermione's jaw dropped.

"What part of 'Ginny, I need a beard' didn't you understand?" Draco hissed at the young female Weasley.

"The part where you named your teddy bear 'Harry'." Ginny began. "Or the part where you asked me to wear glasses and let you call me Harry."

"Stop it!" Harry came running up to them. "You guys! We were supposed to keep it on the down low."

"I guess that means you have to pick me." Ron, who was, as always, with Harry, looked a bit triumphant. "I'm straight."

"Noooooooooo!" Hermione wailed, stamping her foot. "I'm supposed to be the center of attention, me! Look at me! Look now! I'm the Gryffindor Sex Goddess! You're supposed to all want me!"

"Snape and Zabini are probably still after you." Ginny pointed out helpfully.

"That is, if their little session in the dungeon wasn't really a cover up for an illicit love affair." Ron snickered. "This is fanfiction, it's possible."

"But why? Why won't anyone pay attention to me?" Hermione collapsed into a sitting position on the ground.

"Omigod!" Cho Chang, who hadn't been in the scene before but was now conveniently sitting a few feet away from Hermione, looked over. "No one will pay attention to me either!"

"No one will comfort me either!" Hermione scooted over towards the pretty Ravenclaw.

"A match made in…er…" Ginny thought for a moment. "Well, it rhymes with 'swell'."

"I guess this means the fanfic is over." Ron toed the ground with his foot.

"Wait! We never found out where Crabbe and Goyle are." Draco looked outraged. "I demand my lackies, now!"

"Oh, I know where they are." Harry informed them all brightly. "When you time travel, sometimes people get thrown into the past. Usually it's me and Hermione and Ron, but this time something went a little screwy…"

Somewhere in the Past

"So…" Lucius Malfoy frowned at the two boys who were sitting next to him and eating as much as they could. "If you're from the future, you can tell me everything that happens and I can use it to my advantage."

"Not really." Crabbe shook his head. "But this is how some of the stranger fandoms get their kicks."

"The _really _strange fandoms." Goyle agreed.

"Oh, like the me and Dumbledore people?" Lucius guessed.

"I'm _eating_!" Crabbe yelped indignantly.

"Sorry." Lucius grumbled.

* * *

Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle became their own fathers, which was an odd experience to say the least.

Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter both became teachers at Hogwarts and still make out in the closet on the fourth floor.

Ginny Weasley is still awesome.

Ron Weasley became the manager of the Chudley Cannons and was famous for his best selling autobiography entitled, "I'm Glad I'm Not Percy.'

Crooshanks and Severus Snape were both found dead one morning and although sources disagree, the most popular theory was that they discovered an Instant Death Potion and tricked each other into testing it.

Blaise Zabini is continually confused by the fact that most people still think he's a girl.

Cho Chang and Hermione Granger are happily married and are raising Amethyst Moonlight Rose Crystal Valkyrie Jade Merlin-Merlin Raven Autumn Venus Ashley Dumbledore Black Delacour the IV in their image.

As for Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, and Lily Evans…well, that's a story you already know.

* * *

The end! If you're angry at the end of this story, remember that everything in here was met in a very unserious way. This is all for humor purposes! I'm not trying to attack anyone in here, I'm just letting us all laugh at ourselves. Oh, and if you didn't get the 'Rem' jokes, it's okay. Cheers! 


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